I’ve been trying to put into words what the last nine months have been like in New Orleans, but they weren’t easy coming. When I got here I knew for certain this was where I belonged. Even though I feel the same now, I’ve dealt with a tremendous amount of frustration, depression, and confusion. Lately, I find myself asking a lot of personal questions- whether I belong here, whether I can persevere through this time, whether I should even try. They’re not easy questions to answer, and I thank the few who have been there with me to work through them.
My nine month report comes at a time somewhere in this dark season in my life. I can’t say for sure that it’s a “dark night,” but I can say that it’s a time of darkness. I can’t even say if I’m at the beginning, middle, or end. I wonder whether I should be so transparent; I wonder if I’m sharing my journey or being foolish for putting such strange things out there. To some of you this may sound like run-of-the-mill depression. Some of you may deny that I could even experience much of what I have, am, and will. That’s okay. My hope is that some of you have experienced times like this, and that you can encourage me in some way.
Only one other time have I truly had such a depression. At that time I questioned my salvation, while those who advised me said that the Enemy would not lead me toward such questioning; only God would “convict” me. It was not conviction but confusion, and I know that they were wrong regardless of their sincerity. That dark period was over three years ago. Since then I’ve had ups and downs, although none have been as difficult as then. I don’t know if this is a continuation of that time, and I’m not sure it matters.
What does matter is that I’m here now, and it is now above all others that I am among those who can guide me out of it. I consider this darkness an attack from my Enemy. I am not bold enough of self-absorbed enough to consider it an attack from the Satan himself. It’s likely that I’m not nearly that important in the Kingdom. Regardless, I’m being assaulted. It comes as I’m taking Spiritual Warfare as an elective. One of the warnings is that we shouldn’t look for the Enemy behind every rock and tree. Be assured that I am not. What I’m dealing with I think has been with me a while, and now I’m beginning to see how to combat it. My awareness of this assault has little to do with my class or with my location (although some of you will wonder about the latter).
The other night I had an attack, and I want to describe some of the thoughts that ran through my head like a frenzy. “You’ll never amount to anything. Everything you touch dies. Every ministry you’ve been a part of has failed. You’re worthless and alone. You have no real friends. You could disappear tomorrow and nobody would notice.” There were other thoughts as well, and it went on for about 30 minutes.
Then it stopped, and for a moment I had clarity. For what seemed like five straight minutes I repeated to myself “God loves me.” I prayed and quoted Scripture (yes, even some KJV, since that’s the version I remembered). “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” I reminded myself of God’s promise that I was His. I remembered my identity in Christ (which I’ve been blogging recently). After 30 more minutes, I fell asleep.
I’ve had several of those nights this year. I don’t think they’re going to stop without some effort on my part, and yours. First, I realize that I need to mend some fences. The guilt of not having done so is used against me often. Second, I’m going to have to work on my discipline (in most facets of my life). Third, I’m going to have a retreat later this semester where I spend a day alone in prayer working through Neil Anderson’s Steps to Freedom in Christ (as required in my Spiritual Warfare class, but also because I need it). Where do you fit in? I’m asking for committed prayer on your part. I realized I came to seminary with maybe one person actively and daily praying for me.
I said before that I don’t know if this is a “dark night” or not. If it is, then I’m told this will be a life-changing season. I pray that God would guide me through this time as He has this far. I pray that He will be with me, and that He will defend me. I pray that He will be my Father and my Shepherd. So here I am. I hope I don’t regret having told you this.
by Joe Kennedy
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