“I used love like money, but love doesn’t work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more.” [Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz]
When we are passive-aggressive, we tend to make snide, underhanded, and indirect comments toward those whom we harbor ill-feelings. We are not direct with them. We do not approach them, as Jesus mandated in Matthew 18. It is only through direct confrontation with God or people that reconciliation is possible. We use our love a a commodity, withholding it from those with whom we’re angry. Nothing is resolved through passive-aggression, nor is its primary goal to resolve conflict. The priority of passive-aggression is to release anger and frustration while maintaining the façade of spiritual maturity. Passive-aggression could not be further from spiritual maturity; it is the foundation for vanity.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. [Matthew, 18:15-16, ESV]
I know we all have moments of passive-aggressive behavior, and there are plenty of times when it is better to bite our tongue than to act out in aggressive confrontation. No question, it is imperative that we use wisdom when picking our fights. Still, we cannot hide behind the ruse of false humility and conflict avoidance by protesting, “but it’s for the greater good to avoid division!” More than likely, it is not. By avoiding the conflict, we are merely festering division within the ranks. We are suppressing division and conflict, and like a volcano erupts under great pressure, so will that division and conflict erupt at the least opportune moment. This is why entire church staffs turnover in less than a year. It’s how churches split. It’s of Satan, and passive-aggressiveness must be rebuked.
Do not read this as an invitation to stir up trouble or speak out for no reason. The Scriptures are very clear about how we are to approach others with whom we are in conflict. Five years ago I was introduced to the Heart Attitudes by my church planting professor Jack Allen. Having seen the wisdom they speak into my life, I’ve spent much of those five years trying to integrate them into my life. It’s a daily task. The following are two of the Heart Attitudes that speak directly to the issue of passive-aggressiveness and conflict resolution.
Live an Honest, Open Lifestyle
What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself. [Ephesians 4:25]
Humbly Give and Receive Correction
Warn each other every day, as long as it is called “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God. [Hebrews 3:13]
Listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace. [Proverbs 15:31, 13:18]
Keep Relationships Straight
If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
[Matthew 5:23-24]